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Adults with siblings actually have two sets: the flesh-and-blood ones they grew up with, who have changed and aged together, and the ones who are a creation of their childhood perceptions, resentments, and idealizations about the original siblings. These siblings, like ghosts, are not visible; they never age. People carry them within, and, at varying times, are haunted by them. The ghosts have four components--frozen images, crystallized roles, unhealthy loyalty, and sibling transference--each of which has a unique effect on one's adult life and all may be transferred onto important adults in their love, work, and friendship lives.
List of contents
- Preface
- Acknowledgments
- Introduction
- Chapter One: The Ghosts: Two Sets of Siblings
- Chapter Two: Recognizing Sibling Ghosts in Your Clients' Treatment
- Chapter Three: Ghosts' Unconscious Sibling Messages
- Chapter Four: Ghosts Transferences in All Relationships, and into the Next Generation
- Chapter Five: Ghosts Complicate Dealing with Aging Parents
- Chapter Six: Treatment for Those Requesting Sibling Therapy
- Chapter Seven: Therapists' Feelings
- Chapter Eight: Intensive Weekends Retreats
- Chapter Nine: Clinical Tool Box for Exorcising Ghosts
- Appendix A: Case Studies
- 1. The Price of the Being the Favorite Child
- 2. Unhealthy Loyalty in Individual Therapy
- 3. Unhealthy Loyalty and Shifting Roles
- 4. Idealized Frozen Images and Misdirected PTSD
- 5. Sibling Transference in Friendship
- 6. Secrets Underlying Sibling Conflict
- 7. Sibling Messages about Getting Even
- 8. Healing from Sibling Sexual Abuse
- 9. QTIP: When to Pull Back
- 10. Re-Creating Parents Battles
- 11. Speaking to Each Person Individually While Together
- 12. Therapist's Use of Voice to Stop Bickering
- 13. Transgenerational Sibling Issues
- 14. Weekend Retreat for Sabrina and Siblings (from Ch. 2)
- Appendix B: Genograms
- Appendix C: Hourglass Pattern of Sibling Relationships
About the author
Dr. Karen Gail Lewis has been a marriage and family therapist for more than 50 years. A sought-after speaker, workshop presenter, and author of numerous books and journal articles, she is the founder of Unique Retreats for Siblings (https://drkarengaillewis.com/sibling-retreats) and is a past recipient of the Washington, DC Rape Crisis Center's Visionary Award. She focuses on a wide range of relationships, including couples, single women, and adult siblings.
Summary
Siblings share a unique relationship: They have known each other longer than anyone else. No matter how close or distant siblings are today, they are part of each other. As adults, they actually are part of two sibling sets. The original siblings are the ones who grew up together and have changed and aged together. The second set is the creation of their childhood perceptions, feelings, hurts, and resentments, as well as idealizations about the original siblings. These siblings, like ghosts, are not visible; they never age. While these siblings mostly lie dormant, when they jump into action, they distort how adults relate to their siblings now.
The "sibling ghosts" have four components--frozen images, crystallized roles, unhealthy loyalty, and sibling transference--each of which has a unique effect on one's adult life, and all of which may be transferred onto important adults in their lives, including spouses and lovers, people at work, and friends. For therapists of all theoretical orientations, Sibling Therapy: The Ghosts from Childhood that Haunt Your Clients' Love and Work is the first book that provides a theoretical framework for working with adult siblings and will be helpful in understanding the influences of clients' ghosts, especially when dealing with intractable problems. While based in systemic theory, the book goes beyond, looking at the specific issues related to being siblings. The ideas and the numerous clinical examples presented here are applicable for family therapists, social workers, psychologists, psychiatrists, counselors, pastoral counselors, and anyone working in a therapeutic position, as well as masters and doctoral students in these fields
