Read more
Congratulations. You have been qualified to participate in the national Horror Fitness Triathlon. Swim, bike, and run into death-defying fun. Only the top 66 from 66,666 that smash Planet Tri's high personal record will advance to compete, while the rest will croak in their pull floats down the oceans throat lying in defeat. If you think you got what it takes then dive into the pitch-black sea but make sure you can see because if your wetsuit pierces the hidden green larvae eggs your legs will quickly feel like lead and you'll be wishing you were dead. So, grab your Aero bars and climb up the steep rocky road terrains. And when you feel the gusting heat and winds pouncing on your skin know that you may go a little insane.
But don't fret because as you shake off your biking legs, you'll face one long run up the never-ending wall of pain feeling your quads dead. And those that crawl down the sharp rocks onto the flat tarmac will have no time to RICE those worries as Mary's final stretch will make you do one last bonk dance before your final test. Only a select few will hug the finisher fleece while Planet Tri's Alien Marshalls will transport the rest to a new moon base poaching and pronating their insides painfully to sleep.
